Just thinking (thought I'd change the title)

I've noticed lately that I have this funny little issue with commitment. Now I say "funny little," so I can speak lightly about it. I think I've been pretty good at avoiding true commitment. You may laugh, because I have been and am very commited to my husband, children, and church. But sometimes I wonder, am I really putting my heart into this? If not, why not?

I've decided that I'm a bit of a people pleaser. In defense of myself, I really do love people. I want to get to know and love as many people as possible. I want to make people happy. The problem comes when my motive for pleasing is selfish. When I want to please in an effort to make someone like me. Which means, that my seemingly strong commitments can change in relation to the person I'm trying to please. Not always the case, but sometimes. Wow, not a lovely confession.

How can we learn to truly love others, just for the sake of loving? How can we truly have a generous spirit? I'm convinced that habit plays a far larger role in our life that we realize. Maybe the answer to most questions is practice. Practice loving someone while avoiding all thoughts of how your nice treatment of them will benefit you. If I think of it all as practice, it doesn't seem so daunting. I'm not going to read my scriptures everyday, I'm going to practice at a good reading habit. I'm not going to be charitable to all I meet, I'm going to practice at charity. I'll start with my kids. Good practice. Sorry little bunnies, but you provide the best practice for all good things in life. I have better faith, love, and charity because I have practiced on you. I have faith, Miriam, that someday you will remember to flush the toilet, I will lovingly remind you, and I will be charitable with your forgetfulness.

Practice means I'm alone, I'm not being judged, I progress at my own pace. It also implies that there will be some performance or test or day of reckoning, but sometime in the future. When I'm ready, after I've practiced. Or maybe not, it will come whether I've practice or not, so I better get started now or I'm going to have some scary moments in the future.

My Muse

Nothing inspires me to do housework more than the feeling that I ought to sit down and do some writing.

First Eat

If I don't really like cereal, why do I keep eating it every morning? This morning: herbal tea, banana, boiled egg, and a roll. Mmmmm. Yummy. My morning went a lot better with this in my tummy instead of the usual blah cereal I eat. Maybe I need to branch out in the kids of cereals I buy. What are some of your favorite breakfast foods?

Monday

So far....
~Woke up
~fed the munchkins
~cleaned the kitchen
~washed some towels
~made a lunch for Miriam
~got her off to school
~filled out preschool worksheets with Sam.
~posted a blog

Need to......
~clean smelly cupboard (previous home of a grey mouse-death by shoeing)
~fold clean towels
~vacuum
~go grocery shopping
~try to avoid treats (crap! I've already had two starburst and an oatmeal, chocolate chip cookie)
~do something interesting (any suggestions)
~learn hope, love, charity etc. amidst the mundane.

Just another Monday morning.

Garden Cooking

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What do you do with garden fresh tomatoes and green apples?

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You make a pie, of course.

And it was delicious!

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I Love My Life

There is a man that lives down the street. He is old and slow. The houses around him look a bit neglected. He usally wears a white tank top and he seems a bit rough and worn. Every morning and afternoon, I find him outside tending his flowers--weeding, watering, trimming, watching. A perfectly ordinary man creating beauty and goodness in his life. I have only noticed him recently because Miriam has requested we walk/ride bikes to school lately. Her requested pace has allowed me to see something great.

I have such a small, ordinary life. I vacuum my floors, I cook dinner, I drive here and there on various errands, and I care for children. Such ordinary things that I could fill with beauty and goodness if I choose. I can be like the gardener's neighbor and let weeds take over and leave litter around, or I can tend to my garden. And when I do take the time and care, such beautiful things grow in my life. Miriam expands my sight, Sam enlivens my imagination, Ben opens my listening, and Spencer shows me how to love.

Thank you Sarah Starr for asking me to "love my life."

New Year

You know, the start of school seems to be more of a new year than New Year's Day. It's a time of change and newness, whereas the New Year happens in the middle of a winter. Nothing is really changing.

As I walk Miriam to school in the morning, there is the whisper of the coming fall-a crispness to the air, a change in the type of flowers blooming. She has started first grade. I need to stop being so amazed that she's growing, but first grade? She isn't really going to be gone from 8:45am-3:25pm every day, is she? Oh dear. She seems to like her teacher ("her hair is just like Aurora"), her new classmates, and most of all, the newness of her schedule. On the way home from her first day she said, "Mom, I didn't miss Sam. I didn't miss anyone." It doesn't seem like I would be happy to hear this, but she had been worried that she would miss us too much while at school.

With the start of the school year, I find myself feeling more motivated to create a new and better schedule for my life. So....here are my new year hopes:

~Dinner at the same time everyday

~Consistant bedtime for all (meaning me too, which is what I struggle with the most)

~On that note, a consistant waking time for all (again, more for me. Ben's like an alarm clock constantly stuck on 6:45am).

~Consistant housework (like cleaning the shower in my bathroom on a regular basis and not just when it desparately needs it)

~And, lastly (for now), treat myself with more kindness.

Wish Miriam and I luck in our new endeavors.

Uncle Baby

Nice facial hair, eh?

Balloons at Sunrise

Our day started at 5:30am today. We packed a breakfast, loaded the kids in the van and headed up to Eden for the Ogden Valley Balloon Festival.

The balloons were beautiful. We sat down on our blanket and watched as the pilots set up their balloons, slowly filling them with air. As more and more balloons started filling up, we hopped up and wandered all over the field. We got close enough to the balloons that we could feel the heat of the flames.

Sam and Miriam thought it was great to wake up while the stars were still out. We watched the sky get lighter and lighter. At one point, amidst all the filling of and taking off of hot air balloons Sam said in excitement, "Mom, look, the sun came out!" I was delighted that the sunrise brought just as much wonder to Sam as the balloons.

In No Particular Order

Ben had his first birthday in July and is now officially a toddler.

Miriam had her sixth birthday this month. It was full of princesses, tea parties, treats, and presents. As it should be. Two days before her birthday she said, "I wonder how I will look when I am six?"

Spencer finished and sold his first project for his business, S.C. Edwards Fine Woodworking. It is a captain's bed for his cousin's handicapped son (the reason for the crib-like sides). I am so amazed at his courage and hard work as he starts this business. He's a good, good man.

It seems that I always have so much to report about everyone in the family but me. Hmmm... I need be a bit more interesting. I'm just doing the usuall mom stuff. It's been a bit crappy lately as all the kids have a stomach bug. Lucky me.

Oh, I do have something new. I've joined a choir that meets on Sundays in SLC. Right now we are enjoying such greats as Brahms, Mozart, Beethoven, etc. I feel my mind and heart enlightened each week. Music has always been so important to me throughout my life. I have to say that I enjoy the private practicing much better than the performances. I like the space of it.

Little Fairies

Miriam has been leaving me little surprises on my bed lately. After we put her to bed, she sneaks into my room and plays fairy. The first night I found a rock. When I first found it, I wondered, "why on earth is there a rock in my bed?" The next morning, a smiling Miriam asked me if I had found the "treasure" she left me.

Miriam adds such magic and happiness to my life. Because of her, I always have fresh flowers on my counter. These little moments, make me think of the story my mom often tells of my sister Jessie. When she was very young she put a single rose petal on the doorstep of each house on the street. I wonder if anyone noticed their gifts? It seems that there are many little moments in our lives that could bring us joy, if we just opened up enough to see them. What are some of the little things the children in your life have helped you to see?

Won't you be my neighbor?

The neighbors on either side of use are brothers. One brother has a five year old girl and the other has a three year old boy. Miriam and Sam want to live here forever. They are constantly trying to find ways to go to one or the other's house. I love to listen in on their playing. To hear their little adventures. To see Miriam walking arm-in-arm with her blond friend. It takes me back to my childhood summers.

I ran free as a child. My sister and I would walk all over town, and often come home with some pet or another. Why the pet store owner thought it was appropriate to sell pets to small children, unaccompanied by an adult is beyond me. Can you imagine your little ones coming home with a lizard or a mouse or a duck, none of which can be returned? Nice policy, mister resposible store owner.

I don't think I ever wore shoes in the summer and always feel a like a lame adult when I insist that my kids put on their sandals. I sincerely believed that I could run faster in bare feet. I'm so happy that it finally warmed up. I'm so happy to have children around me so that I can experience childhood summers again.

Nothing much to report, except Sam claims I need to shave my legs.

. . . And they lived happily ever after.

I had a good chuckle while reading Cinderella to Miriam and Sam the other day. It says, "Long ago in a faraway land, poor Cinderella lived with her mean stepfamily. They filled her days with cooking, scrubbing, washing, and chores of every kind." Good thing she found a prince with a castle full of servants, eh.

Mother's Day Surprise

I am the proud owner of a Kelty, hiking backpack thanks to my lovely family. Now, I just need to toughen up enough to use it for long distances. We broke it in by taking a walk at the bird refuge in West Layton.

Mmmmmm.....yes, that does help.

May 1st

I looked out the window and what did I see? Not popcorn popping, but snow. SNOW! Remind me why I left the beautiful coast of SC. Hmm......Maybe I ought to make some chocolate chip cookies to cheer me up. I did splurge and get some See's, semi-sweet Chocolate chips. They make the most delectable treats. I hope those of you not living in Utah are enjoying a delightfully warm, but not too warm, spring.

Miriam said....

"Mom, it's spring outside. I wish it was even springer."

Little Ben

My baby isn't a newborn anymore. He is one delicious little guy. My favorite Ben moment is when he reaches his little hands to my face and pulls me close for a slobbery baby kiss. Ben has been a terrible sleeper this month, but somehow I've had more patience; he charms me even at 12pm, 3am, and 5am.

Just this

I can't believe how cold it is here in Utah. I just want to stay inside, bake delicious things, and soak my feet in hot water. I have been avoiding the cold, but my mind needs the space of outside so I have been feeling trapped. I lose a bit of myself when I spend too much time inside.
I haven't done the New Year's resolution thing yet so maybe I should start with, spend some time outside everyday (walking to the car to take Miriam to school doesn't count). I'll just have to add resolutions as I feel they need to be added. Instead of new year's resolutions, maybe I can have new month's resolution. That's a bit more manageable for me. I'll still bake delicious things though--my next baking venture will be sour cream chocolate cake and red velvet cake (yes, Sarah, from scratch. You were right from scratch is so much better).